I am seriously going to look into nootropics when I get some cash. Maybe even without spare cash. If they work they could be more important food.
Of course I hope they don't have drawbacks, but everything has a drawback. I am sick to death of having no focus. I had one thing I needed to do before 4pm today. Still isn't done. It's fucked everything else because without the focus to the do the one thing I don't have the flexibility to give myself permission to do anything else.
So. This day is damn near wasted.
Firing up the old LJ to see just how everything has changed. Let's see if this works.
Hello all you ghosts, how are you?
There's been a bit of unhappiness today and I'd really like to have something uplifting come my way. But I know what's up next and it doesn't seem incredibly likely, all in all.
Hit the scale this morning, most of the same conditions that I usually do in the morning (no food, more or less fresh out of bed, bathroom) and was up three pounds over yesterday, which was up twoish pounds over the day before. All I can do is pray it's just that time of the month and it's water retention. Because I swear I haven't changed my food habits, but I know they're terrible. And if it is the food then I'm just screwed, I can't change what's at available, period. It *might* be muscle gain. I've added a bit of weight training and even just the cardio has kept my thighs muttering at me for weeks. But why would the scale jump up in just a couple of days? I'm just so pissed because I had managed to bring it down and keep it at a new weight in March, which showed a loss of five pounds from the high end of this bout-of-lazy. Now those five are back. ARGH.
And no, clothes aren't fitting any better. But I can feel my biceps...under the flab.
Came home just desperate to get away from the sweat only to find the water was out. Luckily my sister was home and she let me go over to use her shower. She invited me to eat with her husband and we chatted about money and family and long term plans and that was...well bonding but also depressing. Every time I think I have it bad I listen to them and know I'm damned lucky. They're always in dire straits, it seems.
Came home and tried to work a little bit, but then the power went out and with it the Internet. I tried to read but my attention wasn't there, I tried to clean but kept getting aggravated by everything. Then the power came back on.
Things are kinda flowing now and I could get a lot done if I kept working. But! it's time to hit the road to go to SOSE's opening night for OUR CLASS. I'm thrilled by a new piece of tough/mad/brilliant theatre that these people have put on, but way nervous too because its keystone an incident from the Holocaust, and when has that ever been a good time? But it'll be challenging and good, and that's the point of art, right?
A lot of little things have ganged up on me today and I just want to know that it was worth it to get out of bed this morning.
Instead of doing something productive I came up with this. I wanted a quick/short parade of flavors and feelings. Ugh, I hate to think what I'd come up with if I decided to go long. In order of courses. (Imagine some sexy music in the background; a tango or solidly good jazz. Or Portisehead, whatever.)
orange slice, a chocolate chip
brie on toast
(half?) shot of a honey bourbon
peanut butter & jelly sandwich with punch
ice cold water
pinot noir (good), stuffed mushrooms
small bouquet of fragrant flowers - esp clematis, garden phlox, hyacinths or heliotropes
zinfandel, three bites of steak, crumbled bleu cheese on 1 serving grilled vegetables
red rose in full bloom
silky milk chocolate
sweet riesling, slice of cantaloupe
slice of plain toast
Gewürztraminer, toasted almonds
pinot noir (less-than-good), sharp cheddar on wheat crackers
sloppy zinfandel, ceviche with black olives on Ritz crackers
straight, ok-not-great Scotch
A bowl of cornflakes with milk
fistful of sour grass upon exit
I wonder how it would go over to serve these to one person at a time and just let them experience the sensations. Would they feel what I was feeling?
Today I got asked to leave a bar. Because I was nodding off in the corner. I even asked if I could just stand while listening to the band. Nope, I had to leave.
It's like getting a ticket for driving too slow. Except it saved me money and I was wondering when I should leave anyway.
It's been so long. It's been so, SO fucking long since I listened to a new album and had it just pummel me, beat me about the head and shoulders, kick me in the stomach, and make me want to scream "YES, MORE!."
Ever since Pitchfork had a preview of Welcome Oblivion by How to Destroy Angels (and now on some other sites that are maybe sorta legal but also maybe not) a week ago I've been listening to while at home.
And every time, all over again, I want to just crawl into the music, wrap it around myself and forget the existence of absolutely anything else.
It aches, it's so perfect. it's something I want to put inside of me so I can have in every breath I exhale, lining every muscle spasm. Is it gross that I keep thinking of it as a shard of glass that I'm driving with my bare hands into my chest to slice open my heart?
I can't think of the last thing that so fully got past all my bullshit and barriers.
And also I can't shut up about it, though I keep saying basically the same thing. Ugh. How can I get through this? Who can I tell of my joy? It's not even properly dance music so I can't burn this restless energy through movement.
Want Want love love
Today was disappointing with some mild frustration. OB is home. And he's not on his meds.
And I stayed in bed till afternoon even though I was awake from around 930am.
At least I got some work done for the play, but it was minimal, I have much more still to do.
And I didn't work on anything I really wanted to. Just around wishing away the circumstances I'm in.
Today was indolent. No excuses, I spent the entire day reading trashy short stories. Oh but they were good. *sighs*
Yesterday was much the same except I ran a couple errands and went to the gym an in the night MB offered dinner and a movie, so I got to see Django Unchained, which I quite enjoyed. It was violent and silly in several places and not particularly challenging (white slavers suck, really? yeah, really, nary a compassionate one among 'em, so don't worry kill 'em all! Even the ones that dress nice are just pretending to an education, so they're louts, too!). The very first time there was revenge killing against a slave owner I thought to myself, in their place I can't imagine doing any different. But after that... *shrug* I enjoy Tarantino movies so I made up my mind long before heading out to just roll with would obviously be a huge body count.
For whatever reason, when Tarantino does a revenge film, I really don't mind. I've minded all the other ones I've sat through.
anyway, time for cartoons.