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My kingdom for some damn focus

I am seriously going to look into nootropics when I get some cash. Maybe even without spare cash. If they work they could be more important food.

Of course I hope they don't have drawbacks, but everything has a drawback. I am sick to death of having no focus. I had one thing I needed to do before 4pm today. Still isn't done. It's fucked everything else because without the focus to the do the one thing I don't have the flexibility to give myself permission to do anything else.

So. This day is damn near wasted.

writing notes

I just tried to write this on ello and dammit that place is just too confusing. Sorry I'm not designery enough to appreciate the layout and clearly not clever enough to navigate it effectively. Oh well.

This is only of interest to me (hence going to ello with it). So. Hey. How are you?

Boring stuffCollapse )


Firing up the old LJ to see just how everything has changed. Let's see if this works.

Hello all you ghosts, how are you?


There's been a bit of unhappiness today and I'd really like to have something uplifting come my way. But I know what's up next and it doesn't seem incredibly likely, all in all.

Hit the scale this morning, most of the same conditions that I usually do in the morning (no food, more or less fresh out of bed, bathroom) and was up three pounds over yesterday, which was up twoish pounds over the day before. All I can do is pray it's just that time of the month and it's water retention. Because I swear I haven't changed my food habits, but I know they're terrible. And if it is the food then I'm just screwed, I can't change what's at available, period. It *might* be muscle gain. I've added a bit of weight training and even just the cardio has kept my thighs muttering at me for weeks. But why would the scale jump up in just a couple of days? I'm just so pissed because I had managed to bring it down and keep it at a new weight in March, which showed a loss of five pounds from the high end of this bout-of-lazy. Now those five are back. ARGH.

And no, clothes aren't fitting any better. But I can feel my biceps...under the flab.

Came home just desperate to get away from the sweat only to find the water was out. Luckily my sister was home and she let me go over to use her shower. She invited me to eat with her husband and we chatted about money and family and long term plans and that was...well bonding but also depressing. Every time I think I have it bad I listen to them and know I'm damned lucky. They're always in dire straits, it seems.

Came home and tried to work a little bit, but then the power went out and with it the Internet. I tried to read but my attention wasn't there, I tried to clean but kept getting aggravated by everything. Then the power came back on.

Things are kinda flowing now and I could get a lot done if I kept working. But! it's time to hit the road to go to SOSE's opening night for OUR CLASS. I'm thrilled by a new piece of tough/mad/brilliant theatre that these people have put on, but way nervous too because its keystone an incident from the Holocaust, and when has that ever been a good time? But it'll be challenging and good, and that's the point of art, right?

A lot of little things have ganged up on me today and I just want to know that it was worth it to get out of bed this morning.

Playing with food

Instead of doing something productive I came up with this. I wanted a quick/short parade of flavors and feelings. Ugh, I hate to think what I'd come up with if I decided to go long. In order of courses. (Imagine some sexy music in the background; a tango or solidly good jazz. Or Portisehead, whatever.)

orange slice, a chocolate chip

brie on toast
(half?) shot of a honey bourbon

green tea

peanut butter & jelly sandwich with punch

ice cold water

pinot noir (good), stuffed mushrooms
small bouquet of fragrant flowers - esp clematis, garden phlox, hyacinths or heliotropes

zinfandel, three bites of steak, crumbled bleu cheese on 1 serving grilled vegetables
red rose in full bloom

silky milk chocolate

white chocolate

sweet riesling, slice of cantaloupe

slice of plain toast

Gewürztraminer, toasted almonds

pinot noir (less-than-good), sharp cheddar on wheat crackers

sloppy zinfandel, ceviche with black olives on Ritz crackers

black coffee

straight, ok-not-great Scotch

A bowl of cornflakes with milk

fistful of sour grass upon exit

I wonder how it would go over to serve these to one person at a time and just let them experience the sensations. Would they feel what I was feeling?


Life goes wha

Today I got asked to leave a bar. Because I was nodding off in the corner. I even asked if I could just stand while listening to the band. Nope, I had to leave.

It's like getting a ticket for driving too slow. Except it saved me money and I was wondering when I should leave anyway.


It's been so long. It's been so, SO fucking long since I listened to a new album and had it just pummel me, beat me about the head and shoulders, kick me in the stomach, and make me want to scream "YES, MORE!."

Ever since Pitchfork had a preview of Welcome Oblivion by How to Destroy Angels (and now on some other sites that are maybe sorta legal but also maybe not) a week ago I've been listening to while at home.

And every time, all over again, I want to just crawl into the music, wrap it around myself and forget the existence of absolutely anything else.

It aches, it's so perfect. it's something I want to put inside of me so I can have in every breath I exhale, lining every muscle spasm. Is it gross that I keep thinking of it as a shard of glass that I'm driving with my bare hands into my chest to slice open my heart?

I can't think of the last thing that so fully got past all my bullshit and barriers.

And also I can't shut up about it, though I keep saying basically the same thing. Ugh. How can I get through this? Who can I tell of my joy? It's not even properly dance music so I can't burn this restless energy through movement.

Want Want love love


Comedy & America

I was writing something else and this came out. It didn't belong so I cut it but I don't want to kill it yet. So it goes here for now.

I was just wondering why Expressionism has had a few blips in the American creative world but hasn't had the huge impact it did in Europe. But we like our comedies so much that I'm not sure that we just don't like anything more complicated than a trip to the circus. It's well noted that Americans f'ing love comedy - it's a huge part of how we think, if we can make jokes about something we start to feel like we can get a handle on it. And it's a huge part of how we relate, from teasing to snark, we find our tribe through humor.

It's certainly not that Americans like Absurdist art. Pretty sure that's not so if we take the movie Hang Over as a case study. That's a little more like the Greek idea of things ending well for the protagonists after a lot of hectic and unexpected twists and turns. But people coming together, sharing an experience, ending on better footing, is the key. I'm not claiming Americans at large go to these terrifically absurd (little "a") movies in order to be challenged - I'm pretty sure it's the opposite - but does the genre of comedy thrive in an artistic environment that values naturalism because we are reassured that we can handle whatever nonsense in which we find ourselves?


Today was...

Today was disappointing with some mild frustration. OB is home. And he's not on his meds.

And I stayed in bed till afternoon even though I was awake from around 930am.

At least I got some work done for the play, but it was minimal, I have much more still to do.

And I didn't work on anything I really wanted to. Just around wishing away the circumstances I'm in.


Today was...

Today was indolent. No excuses, I spent the entire day reading trashy short stories. Oh but they were good. *sighs*

Yesterday was much the same except I ran a couple errands and went to the gym an in the night MB offered dinner and a movie, so I got to see Django Unchained, which I quite enjoyed. It was violent and silly in several places and not particularly challenging (white slavers suck, really? yeah, really, nary a compassionate one among 'em, so don't worry kill 'em all! Even the ones that dress nice are just pretending to an education, so they're louts, too!). The very first time there was revenge killing against a slave owner I thought to myself, in their place I can't imagine doing any different. But after that... *shrug* I enjoy Tarantino movies so I made up my mind long before heading out to just roll with would obviously be a huge body count.

For whatever reason, when Tarantino does a revenge film, I really don't mind. I've minded all the other ones I've sat through.

anyway, time for cartoons.


Today was...

Oh god I don't want to get into it again. I already wrote some of it out and it keeps making me all sniffly and feeling crummy. So I'm just going to copy & paste.

The blues have been hard to fight off. Not the good Motown, Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson stuff, I mean depression lite, that's just stupid whiny, self-disgust, stressed, anxiety-riddled, find all the bad and ignore any good shit kinda blues. There's a lot of broken crap in my life, or shit that falls well below spec. But on top of that my brain has to go and remind me at every second how much my life sucks and how I suck and how it'll never be any better for me and how I should just give up now because fuck it.

It doesn't help that shit hasn't been great. The hair didn't turn out the way I wanted. Fucking figures. Dealing with it all week meant skipping any effort to work out because sweat undoes so much prep work. Ended up making spaghetti because it was impossible to get the family together otherwise, and still brothers couldn't attend. And sis and my mom yelled at each other most of the way through and mom just yelled more when I clapped my hands over my ears and dad took that as approval to be a passive aggressive jerk and we're all just fucking dicks in my family and I'm afraid I'll forget how to not be a dick and I'll only be good at yelling like my mom because that's the only way to get people to take me seriously because when I try to be patient and reasonable people think they can just be cute and trample my boundaries and ignore my limits and demand more of me and when I ask them not to go there they think they'll just go there through a different route because I can't actually mean they shouldn't go there, right? And so they go there and I get fucking pissed and then they get pissed that I got pissed and I think if I had just raised my voice at the beginning instead of trying to be understanding we wouldn't be here and I can't remember which is better, to work for peace and harmony or to be RIGHT, GODDAMMIT.

Tonight was fucking hard at the theatre. Everything fucking went wrong. An actor was super super late and I should have realized it sooner and sent someone to get him. And the tech wasn't there for me but I had to brutalize it to get what I needed for the show. And the actors are chummy with each other and I feel a little frozen out but it's seriously not their fault, I just am not One of Them and I'm just hurting myself trying to force it. And I'm stressed and tired because of everything and I just want to have a good time, but it's not coming because the bad brain is in effect and I want it to go away so bad I can't stop crying because it won't.

It's just tough all over.


Today was....

Today was long, with a lot of standing on my feet and lots and lots of food. Heavy food. It was also rainy but that's neither here nor there.

I made dinner tonight for the whole family. Ultimately only my sister came with the kid and hubs. My dad sat in of course, he couldn't go anywhere. Mom came late because of something for work. MB and BB had to work. OB is... well, he'll be back in a few days.

Been fighting blues all day. It's been very tough. It kills that I can't will it away. I can't find the solution for it in my head. It's very existence is allowed by thinking too much. Not exactly caused, but the circumstances allow it to happen so easily. And so I've been thinking too much and it's crept in and my natural instinct is to think some more and like scratching your eye when it's irritated, that just made it worse.

But putting together my playlist of Seatbelts and Dead Can Dance and some Tori and Machines and PJ and Mexican traditional ballads to blast while cooking put my mind to something useful. And cooking made things too busy to stop and notice anything other than trying to keep everything moving forward without burning. And people dropping by made me be warm and social. The food was good and there was some lovely wine and I had brownies ready to go and mom came in with an ice cream cake.

And after several hours of cooking and hanging and eating I was horribly full and pretty happy with things. Still aggravated by mom and sis arguing over everything and sis and her hubs squabbling (I almost think it's just how they communicate) and the kid has her own inner voice she listens to and rarely clues us in and dad was silent.... But oh well.

I didn't really want to be this feed all the comers and taking care of everyone type. But I sort of am anyway. I wanted to be more mysterious, sexy. But in the world, I've found, that just means nutty and, as often as not, a giant pain in the ass. I'm learning to like being the reliable one. I like that I can be trusted with a large knife because something tasty will come from it.


Today was...

Today was for finishing the bleaching I started yesterday. To really get it blond, though, I'll have to remember to do maximum lift, probably twice, for two hours each go. In other words, I really have nuke my hair to do it properly. So instead of platinum I have hair that is slightly more orange with a few blotches of straw yellow and streaks of dark orange/brown.

There was also the final rehearsal (at this point, *sigh*) for the show. A last minute madness emergency that put Saturday's show in jeopardy... We'll do a partial show, it sounds like. Not remotely optimal, but better than calling 100 people and offering refunds/free returns. Hollywood, you slay me.

Packed up the couch away from home and headed home-home. A lot of work ahead of me tomorrow and the next day. *grumble* Errands I completely forgot about, including a bill I didn't have budgeted that must be paid ASAP or disaster strikes. Same old, same old.

Watched some cartoons and a Fringe episode. Hand is wrapped around a dark mood and holding it far enough it only slices at my arm, not my face.

Sleep now.

today was...

Today was...avoidant. Half of it was lazy+lazyxlazy and half of it was busy as heck; all of it was to work around trying not to notice what I don't have too keenly. I have a lot, of course. Count your blessings and all that. But the stuff I don't have ranges from a potential disaster to simply depressing. *shrug*

And I'm also trying to get people together for a big old hang out and drinkathon in a week. I don't feel very positive about the likelihood, but I think at least the original two or three people who I set it up with will be there. That would be enough.

I've lost ground recently - in the last week. I was doing better a week ago, when it regards taking control. It was really the past few days where I've gotten really tired and let the exhaustion from one corner of life (ahem the play) destroy the desire to get shit done elsewhere. It's getting me down and that snowballs into just more avoidant bullshit.


Recently was

Recently it has been...well up and down, which doesn't say much. Today was depressing and the day before that was fun and the day before that was really, really fun while book ended with work... details start to blur. There's just been a lot of work on the play and it's keeping me from both the work I want to do and the fun I want to have, all in all leaving me feeling like I'm not running my own life. Running a play is a lot like strapping in to a rollercoaster ride. You have to give yourself over to it. But now this ride has gone on for longer than anticipated and I want off.

A friend from the Internet came out last week to LA and I've gotten to hang out with him twice. It's been very cool. He's a fun guy, good looking, foreign and just generally the right kind of weird to be my friend. That's been the upside. The downside has been keeping myself from blowing my windfall pay for the show.

But without the theatre gig and the friend in town I'm not exactly showing up to my life. I'm not pushing and driving the way I want to be doing. I'm exhausting myself and not organizing my time and energy so that I anticipate this and get my own shit done first.

I did, though, put a small part of my pay toward the getting control end by getting a hair cut. It's the shortest it's been maybe five years, possibly more. And I think I may yet also go pick up some hair dye - purple - and go to that this weekend.
Ugh I waited too long to write this. All I can think about now is how tired and cold I am.

Today had a bunch of stuff in it. Two rehearsal sessions, separated by six hours. Lots of scheduling work throughout to put out even more last minute fires. Practiced Japanese and even worked out.

So today was good.

Yesterday was not good. Not at all.

I barely remember Monday. Though I got to see friends at the Glitterfaery's house. WE hung out and chatted and snacked. And then I went to Suzuki & Viewpoints training and found a lot of trouble in my left side, especially my left leg. I have to do more squats just to get everything tougher and ready to do more training. Joy.

Finally, no matter what LiveJournal says, Saturday the 12th is NOT my birthday.

Today was...

Today was just silly. And now I'm just too tired. Too fucking tired.

Today was...

Today was...workingish. I worked bunches, more less from when I got up to just now. Emails aplenty, documents to prepare and print, a theatre to straighten out and then rehearsal and run through. And then talk with the director and producer and finally more emails. I could write more even still but I'm tired - they can keep till tomorrow.

The lovely(?) thing about all this is I kept coming in contact with people who clearly knew there would be work they needed to get done in the three weeks since we last met and they never got around to doing it. They never even asked any questions about it, some of them. So...um, I'm not the only procrastinator around. Just the one who feels the most guilt.

I am looking at the next two days, however, and feeling very dismayed by how much work I have to do. I was really hoping to get some time to finally write. Loads of rehearsal every day, hardly any time to stop and eat. I don't like this schedule, Sam-I-Am. And it's only going to get worse. Ugh.



Today was...

Today was lopsided. This time I did take an (unwilling) nap before writing. I'm at the couch away from home, cold and frustrated with my computer. I forgot to bring the other power cord and so I have the one that doesn't properly charge the battery, so of course if I move just a little the connection will drop and the computer will snap off.

But I'm tired because I woke up at a good morning-type hour and it's long past bedtime. I wasted the morning in bed, though. But not wasted too much since I took care of a few work things over t he computer. But just didn't feel up to hitting the gym, still a bit shaken from yesterday. But that kind of morning always leads to a lazy afternoon, which is not what I needed when I had "pack for five days away from home and then leave the house before rush hour" on the list of things to do.

So when it came time to go I rushed around like crazy and hopped into the truck a little frazzled and was late to rehearsal.

But rehearsal was alright. We have a lot of stuff to think about, especially working on finding more rehearsal time. A serious problem when the theatre itself is largely unavailable.

Got to the couch a little tired and very chilled from the night outside. Inside is less seriously cold, but not warm. I'm under a bunch of blankets and still feeling chilly around the bits that aren't covered.

Just remembered I have one more email I must send. Ugh. It's never done.


Today was...

Today was good. Productive and long. Very long, I shouldn't be writing but rather sleeping, long. I'm fighting off the urge to nap and then finish this entry rather mightily.

I actually got up this morning without the alarm - and it was a few hours before the alarm goes off! It was almost eight hours after I crashed, but I didn't need to sleep in. Then headed to the gym. Holy crap! I actually kept a promise for a day. Very out of shape; it took a lot out of me to do that. And it took a lot out of me because the cold from last Friday is still around a little, hidden in the nooks of my lungs. I came back having trouble breathing because of it and now have been coughing for most of the day.

Took care of several emails for the show but I have several more to get through. Can't too night, way too tired. But I have to get to them. Argh. Well I did the major big thing that needed to happen so I shan't fret...much.

Watched a mess of Bleach. Which I have some thoughts on but again...tired.

And then BB invited me to go see Les Miserables and he would pay. So I was there. And now I have a lot I want to say about it - about theatricality and what is cinematic and thus makes different demands of the same TV, about singers and actors and performing, about scope and hitting the back wall and taking it tiny for masked singing. Etc, etc But you know... tired.

Mondo tired. g'night.


The Anti-Social Butterfly

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